It's been a week. It's actually been more than just a week, but I'd like to say it's only been a week because I don't want to feel sad that it's been so long. Because really, it feels like forever since I last saw you, A. I've been trying to calm myself, acting as though everything is fine, but I really just can't help but worry. Is this the start of what you call "detachment"? Are we now starting to slowly drift away from each other? I don't know. And that's the thing, see, because nobody really knows. Everyday I come to school and my eyes automatically search for yours even when my mind already knows you're not there, and it's been a week, A, it's been more than a week since I saw you.
I just really, really, really miss you, I guess. We both have our own lives to attend to and we've been so busy lately to actually cross paths and see each other, even for a little while. I'm scared, okay? I'm terrified. I'm scared that I might lose you again without even noticing. I'm scared that one day I might wake up and realize that you are no longer a part of my life, and I am no longer in yours. I'm afraid of getting left behind, and I'm afraid of letting go. Like I said, I get attached too easily. And most of the time, I'm afraid of letting someone into my life because I know I'd only get hurt in the end, when it's time for them to go. I know people come and go, as feelings do, and most of the time, they never come back. I try to distance myself from people as much as I can because I can't stand the fact of having to let them go just as soon as I'd already feel connected, but I let them in anyway. I let you in anyway, because when I met you, there was a spark, an undeniable connection that I just couldn't help but notice. And I couldn't let it pass, not ever. Not letting you in my life would have meant missing one of the greatest things that could ever happen to me. And just like that, I find myself connecting, deeper and deeper each day that sometimes I feel like maybe, for once, it's actually okay, that maybe this time it's different, that maybe things wouldn't end the same as all the other ones in the past. that maybe this time you'd find a reason to stay... but I know you won't. You can't. Of course you can't.
And most of the time I feel like I'm such a coward because no matter how bad I want to talk to you, even though my hands are itching to press the 'send' button, I just couldn't bring myself to. What is it that keeps me from talking to you? You're only a message away, and I don't think I'm not allowed to reach out to you or anything, but I just -- what am I so afraid of?! Rejection? That you wouldn't reply? Or that you'd ignore me, that you wouldn't even bother, and I end up looking like a fool? Is it pride? That I've just been assuming things - that maybe I'm not really somebody to you and you don't really care, even just a tiny bit - and that I'm really just afraid of being told "I told you so"? Because fuck, I don't know, okay? Maybe it's one of those things or all of those, or maybe none at all because I know you're not like that, but there's gotta be something, right? And it's killing me. It's killing me even more that as the future is getting closer, the chances of us being strangers again is getting higher. I just can't help but cry thinking about all the possibilities. I know you told me not to, and you probably wouldn't like it if you knew, but screw that. I'm scared. I don't want you out of my life. I want you to stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. But you can't. And I can't, either.
You know sometimes I just hate myself for letting my feelings get the best of me. For being naive and dumb. I should know better by now, but we're too often slaves to our feelings, aren't we? I guess when you're there, in that moment, taking it in, and just marveling at the spontaneity of it all, you don't really care about the world, do you? Nothing else matters, because all you see is yourself, and that moment. And we often realize how precious that moment was until it has passed, until it has gone by. Until it is too late. And we keep wishing we had cherished it more.
That's why I'm scared. I'm scared, because, in the midst of all this, I'm afraid I'd get too overwhelmed and not notice every moment that passes by. That one day I'll look back and wonder how and why it happened so fast. That one day, all that's left would be fond memories of you, me, us, and the past. And you'd be gone forever.
I just really, really, really miss you, I guess. We both have our own lives to attend to and we've been so busy lately to actually cross paths and see each other, even for a little while. I'm scared, okay? I'm terrified. I'm scared that I might lose you again without even noticing. I'm scared that one day I might wake up and realize that you are no longer a part of my life, and I am no longer in yours. I'm afraid of getting left behind, and I'm afraid of letting go. Like I said, I get attached too easily. And most of the time, I'm afraid of letting someone into my life because I know I'd only get hurt in the end, when it's time for them to go. I know people come and go, as feelings do, and most of the time, they never come back. I try to distance myself from people as much as I can because I can't stand the fact of having to let them go just as soon as I'd already feel connected, but I let them in anyway. I let you in anyway, because when I met you, there was a spark, an undeniable connection that I just couldn't help but notice. And I couldn't let it pass, not ever. Not letting you in my life would have meant missing one of the greatest things that could ever happen to me. And just like that, I find myself connecting, deeper and deeper each day that sometimes I feel like maybe, for once, it's actually okay, that maybe this time it's different, that maybe things wouldn't end the same as all the other ones in the past. that maybe this time you'd find a reason to stay... but I know you won't. You can't. Of course you can't.
And most of the time I feel like I'm such a coward because no matter how bad I want to talk to you, even though my hands are itching to press the 'send' button, I just couldn't bring myself to. What is it that keeps me from talking to you? You're only a message away, and I don't think I'm not allowed to reach out to you or anything, but I just -- what am I so afraid of?! Rejection? That you wouldn't reply? Or that you'd ignore me, that you wouldn't even bother, and I end up looking like a fool? Is it pride? That I've just been assuming things - that maybe I'm not really somebody to you and you don't really care, even just a tiny bit - and that I'm really just afraid of being told "I told you so"? Because fuck, I don't know, okay? Maybe it's one of those things or all of those, or maybe none at all because I know you're not like that, but there's gotta be something, right? And it's killing me. It's killing me even more that as the future is getting closer, the chances of us being strangers again is getting higher. I just can't help but cry thinking about all the possibilities. I know you told me not to, and you probably wouldn't like it if you knew, but screw that. I'm scared. I don't want you out of my life. I want you to stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. But you can't. And I can't, either.
You know sometimes I just hate myself for letting my feelings get the best of me. For being naive and dumb. I should know better by now, but we're too often slaves to our feelings, aren't we? I guess when you're there, in that moment, taking it in, and just marveling at the spontaneity of it all, you don't really care about the world, do you? Nothing else matters, because all you see is yourself, and that moment. And we often realize how precious that moment was until it has passed, until it has gone by. Until it is too late. And we keep wishing we had cherished it more.
That's why I'm scared. I'm scared, because, in the midst of all this, I'm afraid I'd get too overwhelmed and not notice every moment that passes by. That one day I'll look back and wonder how and why it happened so fast. That one day, all that's left would be fond memories of you, me, us, and the past. And you'd be gone forever.